Political Browser - Punchlines

Punchlines - 11.20.09

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:50:51 -0500

Everything is so cheap—it's all totally fine like it is, right? Over there, I mean. Why would you want to…do the…[garbled]."

-- Addict Reginald "Bones" Dillow in the "news" story, "Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan."

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.19.09

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:58:15 -0500

Announce you're raising troop levels by 15,000, then pull everybody out, then come back with a half million soldiers, in the process convincing al-Qaeda that you're loco and not to be messed with."

-- From the "infographic" Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan.

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.18.09

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:56:02 -0500

Detaining prisoners at the Department of Motor Vehicles, especially in Manhattan, is a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions," said a spokesperson for Amnesty International.

-- From the "news" story Detainees Moved to DMV; Could Be Held There 'Indefinitely'.

Huffington Post - Andy Borowitz

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Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:56:02 -0500

Punchlines - 11.17.09

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:44:46 -0500

That bow makes Obama look weaker than (Karl) Rove's chin. Folks, I've said this a million times: If you want to look strong, you don't bow to a foreign leader. You kiss him on the cheek and hold his hand."

-- Stephen Colbert on President Obama bowing to the Japanese emperor.

The Colbert Report

Punchlines - 11.16.09

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:47:52 -0500

They said we'd never even make it out of House subcommittee, but this bill just had too much heart to quit," said longtime supporter Ed Wynarsky, who along with three friends spelled out "2651" with digits painted on their bare chests.

-- From the "news" story H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill.

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.13.09

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:36:31 -0500

Hopefully he can bring Sasha back the Chinese currency-revaluation concessions she's been asking for."

-- "Reaction" to "Obama Visiting Asia."

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.12.09

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:55:01 -0500

Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who has been living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs for 48 years."

-- From the "news" story U.S. Deports Lou Dobbs.

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.11.09

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:51:46 -0500

When you go at it day after day and there are no signs of improvement, no chance of success, that is what you have in 'The Jay Leno Show,'" writes General James Jones. "Also, Afghanistan."

-- From the "news" story Damning New Memo Compares Afghanistan to Jay Leno Show.

Huffington Post - Andy Borowitz

Punchlines - 11.10.09

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:45:02 -0500

The Republicans will kill this bill. And the murder weapon? Joe Lieberman. Lonesome Joe has promised to filibuster any bill that has the public option.... Just when I thought C-SPAN couldn't get anymore exciting, wait until you see Lieberman read the phonebook."

-- Stephen Colbert on health-care legislation in the Senate.

The Colbert Report

Punchlines - 11.09.09

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:00:10 -0500

And let's not forget that under his watch, we lost the King of Pop."

-- Saturday Night Live's "Karl Rove" on President Obama's job performance.

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