Political Browser - Punchlines

Punchlines - 11.06.09

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:30:30 -0500

As evidenced by his epic run on Swamp Thing #21–64, Moore's deft hand with both sociopolitical commentary and metaphysical violence makes him an ideal choice to chronicle my time in office."

-- President Obama, in the "news" story Barack Obama Names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer.

The Onion

Punchlines - 11.05.09

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:54:24 -0500

The only chance now that Barack Obama has to retain the presidency would be to take a page from the Palin playbook: resign, write a book, see if he can get his head together and start working for change through the only effective avenues, Facebook and Twitter accounts."

-- Jon Stewart on political pundits saying Barack Obama will take a hit from 2009 election results.

The Daily Show

Punchlines - 11.04.09

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:59:01 -0500

I wonder if all this will set the groundwork for the 2040 presidential election when Alaskalvanian senator Levi Johnston squares off against the frozen head of Ted Williams."

-- Jon Stewart on media hype suurounding the 2009 elections.

The Daily Show

Punchlines - 11.03.09

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:56:12 -0500

The United States sent their congratulations ... I join them. Karzai is a great leader. The kind of guy you would love to bribe to have a beer with."

-- Stephen Colbert on Hamid Karzai's technical victory in Afghanistan's presidential race.

The Colbert Report

Punchlines - 11.02.09

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:49:34 -0500

I'm not really sure what they meant, but Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin called, saying they like this Doug Hoffman guy, but they really wanted someone with roots back to the 13th century."

-- "Former Afghan presidential candidate Abdullah Abdullah" in the "news" story" Abdullah Abdullah Quits Afghan Race, to Run in Upstate NY.

Satirical Political Report

Punchlines - 10.30.09

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:31:59 -0500

C'mon Moses, let's leave the poorest and uninsured Israelites behind to deal with the ten plagues, while we ride out across the desert on our private camels."

-- From the "news" story "Even Lieberman’s Ancestors Betrayed the Public Option."

Satirical Political Report

Punchlines - 10.29.09

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:01:37 -0500

Thousands of Americans-hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me-already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?"

-- "Michael Steele" in the "news" story Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response.

The Onion

Punchlines - 10.28.09

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:48:12 -0500

Together, we can make Afghanistan into a nightmarish hell-scape Americans will regret for generations to come."

-- "President Obama" in the "news" story U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan.

The Onion

Punchlines - 10.27.09

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:46:49 -0500

As the negotiations over health care reform reach a crucial stage, Mr. Obama said that for his own part he was in favor of "the silent option."

-- From the "news" story Obama: Don't Ask, Don't Tell How I Feel About Public Option.

Huffington Post - Andy Borowitz

Featured Advertiser

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:46:49 -0500

Punchlines - 10.26.09

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:51:32 -0500

While intelligence analysts warn that Iran's acquiring Windows 7 is a matter of grave concern, a Defense Department spokesman, Tracy Klugian, was careful not to overstate the danger: "Even under optimal conditions, Windows 7 will probably take at least two to five years to successfully install."

-- From the "news" story Iran Trying to Install Microsoft Windows 7.

Huffington Post - Andy Borowitz